When the sun sets, the skies turn red. This is the time of the year.
Every October, I feel suicidal. Many afternoons, I schedule myself for different self-made pilgrimages. I travel several places only to find perfect sites to see beautiful sunsets where and when I could take my life away. The urge is simple: when the sun completely digs itself into the horizon, turning off its every speck of light, I desire, at that holy moment, to bite the dust.
I have learned to love MRT’s Magallanes Station. Six years ago, I declared that it was my favorite train stop. I always use its staircase going up to the pedestrian bridge where people cross from east to west or vice-versa. It is always quiet there at the top and only a few people use this service path. I claim a spot there. Overlooking the merging skylines of Makati and Manila, I stand at the middle of the stretch, at the edge of the deck. Beneath is the MRT railway heading toward Taft Station. I stare at the sun sinking into the swelled up nimbus clouds. All of its rays disappear in no time. So, then, I bow my head and look down the railway. I tiptoe, hold the steel bars, and feel the wind that sweetly whispers, “Jump off.”
Boracay might be a little expensive, but it could be the ideal spot to say the last goodbye. Its appeal to lovers and their celebration of love is as equal as to killers and their drama of death. I don’t know how to swim but I can do the float trick. One afternoon, while most are busy parasailing and banana-boating and building sand castles or even real aspirations and goals and dreams, I set myself to sail through the countless waves that spark as if scattered diamonds that ripple away. Floating – therefore, facing upside-down, I see the heavens with changing colors of orange and red and purple and pink, as if the colors dance as they shift their hues. Not too long, the sun becomes as tiny as my iris until it finally hides itself from every business of men. The signal comes. The waves get stronger and stronger. My feet are strained. My body is tilted out of balance. My mind is ready. I swear, I love the feeling. There is a charming mermaid under the sea.
One October afternoon, he woke up and found himself alone. She left without a word. Not even with a break-up letter or text or whatever. She just left him with no apparent reason. The day before she left they had made love. They were a very happy couple. They were even playing the songmix game which they invented and which only the two of them knew how to play. He won and he won with this piece:
“The one that got away is the man who can’t be moved. Would he give up even if the stars wrecked his balls? Give him little bits of reason and he would found love in a hopeless place.”
The fact that they had made love the night before she ran away, which he felt was one of the best and most satisfying for both of them, notwithstanding all the fun and laughers that they had in a world they only knew… is mysteriously anomalous in itself.
October 27, 2013