“When I begin to be honest with myself and the world, the world laughs at me like I’m a stupid comedian. And I would feel betrayed. I am not nosy at all or the kind who meddles in somebody else’s stuff. You can take out a sample strand of my DNA and you will know that neither of which can be found in my nature. If you know me long enough, you will just utterly dismiss these presumptions. I don’t give a single word if I am not asked even if I am part of, say, a group discussion. And many times, even if I am obliged to participate and share my opinion, I would not say a thing. Or I would say a few words but I would only speak of something they’d be delighted to hear. So, it’s like I manufacture my words to fit their expectations. I am a pleaser in this regard. Don’t hate me for taking such course. It’s my way to cope with people who do not understand me. Because of past experiences, I learned that manner works best for all. You give what you get. As simple as that. Like when I start to speak of existence and love and faith – when I try to share my thoughts in my most honest way – they would laugh to death as if I cracked a phenomenal joke. Or they would stare blankly at me and would utter such boring, offensive “Okay.” Their faces would look like as if showing the combined feelings of confusion and contempt. Then, I would get the meaning that they either didn’t understand me or I appeared mockingly insane. And they would say I’m rather different. That extremely insults me. And it makes me sick because for one, I’m not trying to be different; and for the other, I am quite misunderstood. I’m trying to be myself but they could not see through me. Don’t get me wrong though. It doesn’t mean that I hate them for not seeing through me because after all, my heart longs for someone who has the same beats as mine.”
If I remember it right, I was seven years old when I first dreamed of God. The setting was heaven; therefore, I was in heaven. Everything was white. It was like a place inside a cumulus or surrounded by thick vapor like that thing coming out from a kettle. All the people around were wearing white long dresses. I didn’t see myself in this dream; thus, I didn’t know what I wore. My perspective was like that of someone who was watching a movie – I was seeing what the camera lens was capturing when panned to one place and another. I still remember how God looked like in my dream. He (I’m sorry to use ‘he’ for purposes of simplicity) had no flesh, no dress, no shape. He was just a massive white light, oblong in shape with rays that cut through the eyes. I attempted to glance at him but I failed. The rays were so strong that I could not even peep on him. The general feeling was happiness. I felt very happy as a child.
Then, I dreamed again of divine beings in high school. Actually, that was in summer of 2000, after learning I passed the UPCAT. I can’t really remember the exact date. The setting was not heaven. It was more realistic. The location was here on Earth. This dream was so vivid. The setting was like the last week of the world. Each day depicted chaos – war, calamities, famine…you name it. On the seventh day, Jesus Christ went down from heaven – I supposed he came from heaven – like a feather slowly dropping, gliding through the currents of the air. He was escorted by two angels, both females, positioned on his right and left sides. Jesus Christ had a medium built, with long hair and fair skin. He was prettier than Brad Pitt or anyone considered the most beautiful man on Earth. He was wearing a blue and gold dress. The angels, who were also beautiful, wore the same. What happened next was that Jesus Christ and the angels stopped floating in front of the window of our house. He stretched his right hand and handed a rosary to me, as if asking me to pray.
On 27 January 2007, I dreamed of both God and Jesus Christ. Again, everything looked so real. I was in Quiapo. I saw a group of people and it looked like they were busy having bets on something. I was only a few feet away from the crowd when policemen suddenly came and ordered a raid on the crowd. They thought I was part of it and wanted to get hold of me. I ran from them without looking back. I ran as fast as I could. Then, I realized it was like dawn already shifting to sunrise. When the sun finally shone, surprisingly, I found myself surrounded by beautiful fields. I stopped running at this point. I walked around and the place was like vast fields with amazing slopes and fine bermuda grasses. Amazing sceneries everywhere. Then, while walking around, I saw a line of people a few steps from me. This part of the fields was decorated by different lights and colorful decors of different designs and sizes, as if there was a festival. When I was approaching the line, I saw a huge body of light from afar, glimmering with different colors. It’s like a rainbow of lights formed into a huge body of undefined shape. The closest thing I could think of was that it was like a huge amoeba emitting lights of rainbow colors. I recognized he was God because I knew in this dream that I had seen him already in my previous dream when I was a child, only that he was more colorful this time. While thinking of God and seeing him from afar, I felt I had no choice but to fall in line like what everyone did. We were entering a huge gate. I asked a lady in front of me where we were. She told me we’re at the AM/PM City, the city of no return. That day was January 18. We were all accompanied to a conference room and that guy told us we would be meeting the Big Boss. The conference room looked more of a college lecture room and I saw familiar faces (and I prefer not to mention them here). The Big Boss was already inside the room. He’s wearing a shirt (that formal type with long sleeves), slacks, and black shoes. When we were all set, he asked us, “What are the requirements of a 10 square meter lot?” We were all puzzled by the question. Then, he asked, “Are you all ready? Okay, let’s have a briefing.” By the time I saw the Big Boss, I knew and felt he was Jesus Christ. He passed around some pens and pieces of papers and instructed us to write down all the things that we could remember. While writing, he asked us, “Who wants to stay?” Everybody raised their hands except me. I could not say a yes and told them I had to go because my family and friends were waiting for me.
There’s no such thing as nothingness.
If so, what was there before the beginning? What was there before 14.5 billion years ago, before that event called the Big Bang?
How can you be so certain?
Because logic dictates nothing exists outside of everything. Aristotle once said, “If we do think of what void is in its own right, it will turn out to deserve its name and to be really void!”
When you were a child and you complained to your mom “You’ve got nothing,” you only meant you didn’t have the capacity to own something at that moment. You probably meant you didn’t have a toy or a friend, but it didn’t mean there was no toy or a friend.
What is the point?
The point is, our definition of nothingness varies. It has some sort of leveling. But if we refer to its absolute meaning, then nothingness does not exist.
What if our logic is not always correct, that it is only applicable to some sets of orders?
We would know by then. Unless you provide me with specific sets of orders that are explained by different laws of nature, I’d prefer to stick to the logic all of us could understand.
Why don’t they have answers as to how life started? I mean, they have endless propositions but nothing stands so real that everyone can agree with. What was all there before life and what lies beyond?
Because most of us don’t listen to our hearts. We’re all too busy running after one thing and another. We’ve been slaves of time and yet we are not even sure what time means to us. Again, we are whole. We are everything. All the answers are within us. Nothing exists outside of the whole. We don’t need a scientist, a philosopher, a god to lead us to the discovery of the meaning of life, if that what bothers you at this moment. “Seek and you will find.” Why don’t you tell me your idea of heaven, of life, of death, of reality? What is time? What is love?
April 22, 2011